The L&B Girls

It’s a beginning of the new year and I’ve not made one resolution. Why you may ask? I don’t like to set myself up for failure. Why bother when I know…KNOW it’s simply not going to happen. Sure there are lots of things I would like to do to better myself and my life…for years now and it’s all things I keep saying are going to happen but it yet has to be checked off of things to do. Maybe I need some inspiration…I want to volunteer. Would love to…but where is the time for that? I’m very busy…ahhh well I suppose I could be busier. I only have the job of a wife, a home maker, a mother and a freelance designer/developer trying so hard to get one of her sites to take off. Where do I squeeze in the volunteering or church activities or time for church or weekly get together with friends or even monthly it seems. The chats on the phone, I have other things to be doing. I need to be productive not social…but what am I lacking in my inability to better my life…oh probably somewhere between inspiration and passion for it. Because there is a huge difference between I would like to do that and actually feeling the inspiration and passion to doing so. Saying you’d like to do something somehow correlates to it makes me feel better because I know I want to and I keep telling myself I will. Oh the mindset of the procrastinator. Now maybe my New Year’s Resolution should be to find inspiration and passion for all the things I would like and love to do but keep finding excuses for. I would really like that but I seem to lack the inspiration to do so.

I need help here…a real jump start would be nice. So here’s to 2010 a year of inspiration and passion for all the things we want need love in life!

Although it’s only been but three days since the operation…it was yesterday that my husband and I decided to go shopping. Most girls I’m sure wait some days after for this but I was much too anxious and excited to wait. I was feeling good so why not? Beats staying home and in bed…of which maybe I should have been doing. Oh what a day though it turned out to be. I was going to, where else but of course Victory Secrets. I wanted to instantly know what my new size was going to be. Yes a bit swollen and told I can’t wear bras until the Doc orders…it didn’t stop me from wanting to know what my new cup size was. After all Victoria Secrets must be able to tell me right?! It was the Dr. to ask me what size I was opting for…it was a full C. Not a B cup, not a D cup, a Full C. Simple right. So I assumed this is want I was going to hear…32-34 C….however it was a harsh SLAP in the face to hear 32 B. My world just came to a silent standstill! There was no way this women who I just met could know ANYTHING…How could she be working here…I turned around with the biggest look of disappointment on my face. Why on earth did I go through all this to be the size I was before having my baby? How could I be…the same size?!?

My new breasts aren’t obnoxious by any means but they are seriously a huge improvement from what they were. I turned to my husband and he could see the pain in my eyes and the look of complete disappointment. He tried hard to “fix” it immediately with his…hey they are perfect…I didn’t think I was going to like them and I love them. You look great that’s all that matters. No, it’s not all that matters…I was starting to get mad at his comments of trying to fix it…I wanted him to be mad at the women that OBVIOUSLY didn’t know what she was talking about. So we left…my husband still trying to fix the hurt…only digging in more to the disappointment of it all…I turned to him and said, “this is the size you wanted.” As if trying to blame him. It was in fact the cc that he wanted…I had originally wanted 25 cc more…but agreed to his wanting the lesser as compromise to the fact he didn’t even want me to get them to begin with. This comment of course enraged him to saying oh some not so nice things back.

In the midst of all this we ended up focusing on getting our little one’s pictures with Santa. Which ended up as a disaster. She was terrified of the old man. She did become famous for that day…everyone that walked passed us saying, “oh we know your cute little daughter, we saw/heard her earlier.” It wasn’t till afterward our little ones traumatic introduction to the red suited white bearded Santa, that I realized to my dismay…there was NO WAY my new found girls were ever going to fit into a 32 B. Just no way…how could they…I had 34 B bras sitting at home and there was no way these babies could fit comfortably in them. So it was ON…back to VS I went and grabbed 2 bras a B and a C….just to satisfy myself with how WRONG the VS measuring tramp was. Oh and how wrong she was! I was victorious as I came out of that dressing room. I had forgotten to take out of consideration it was only the DAY after the operation and yes with little swelling which wasn’t the problem but the Position of where the implants were sitting were! There was no way for her to get an accurate measurement of my band…which is the measurement above your breast. This is where the implant currently sit until the big drop. So the reading difference of the bust and band measurements wouldn’t be accurate to determine the cup size. Oh the relief. So if you ever get work done on the girls…don’t go the following day after the op to get them measured. You might just end up wanting to bitch slap someone with a false measurements of your new cup size.

It’s been only 3 days since my “BIG DAY” of going under the knife and let me tell you I feel FANTASTIC! I can’t complain not one bit, not even a itsy bitsy tiny bit. The night before the operation I could barely sleep…my husband was pretty annoyed with my tossing and turning to say the least. By morning, I didn’t know if I was going to be able to have myself go through with it because of how nervous I was. However, it was the memory of how I felt the first time I had canceled and the times I dreaded that decision that kept me on track to keep getting ready. Before I knew it we were there waiting for my name to get called. First things were first, the dreaded IV. We both made it very clear to the entire staff of how terrified I was of needles especially IVs. The nurse that had prepped me was amazing…she saw how scared I must have looked because she instantly said, “I normally do all the paper work stuff first but would you like to get the needle out of the way…I promise you I’ll only have to do it once.” Thank God that she was able to make the promise…she then covered my hand with a towel and said, “out of site out of mind.” She was terrific! During this time I met with my Dr. and the Anesthesiologist. Then the “walk” to the operation room.

It was the first time I ever remember having to walk into an operation room…I’ve always in the past been wheeled in. It was interesting…I walked in and saw all the masked faces…freezing cold as all operation rooms have to be but somehow the energy of the room was just nice. Before I knew it I was laying down and feeling the drugs go in my arm to make me….zzzzz and I was out. I don’t remember much about waking up…thinking back on it. I just remember being awake afterwards. All the times before I had hated that part because I remembered feeling so annoyed by the nurse trying to wake me up when feeling the most sleepy you could ever possibly feel. I don’t recall that being the case this time. It was so awesome to wake up for once and not feel sick and nauseated as I had every time before. The anesthesiologist did wonders with his drugs. I was literally out and ready to go home within the next couple of hours. Yes, I was constantly looking down at my new girls thinking wow…I can’t believe they aren’t wrapped just totally out there and exposed. Somehow, I didn’t mind.

I had read so many stories of the pains and seen the reality shows of girls getting this operation done and I remember the pain and cries of the drive home and the days after. I wasn’t that girl. I slowly got into the car and I, me put on my seat belt with no help. Didn’t feel much pain at all for the next few hours. Did start getting sick after have taking the first pain killer though…I ended up only taking 1.5 pills and cut myself off because I can’t stand being sick…I’d rather deal with the pain. I do have to admit after only taking Advil and Tylenol…the pain wasn’t unbearable as what I had imagined. Everything I imagined was a  100 times worse than what it turned out to be. In fact each day since has gotten better and better. Yesterday, I even went SHOPPING…the day after the operation! Yes and today I have hardly any pain at all! I’m in shock really. I keep praying that it goes so smoothly. Being only the third day and I’m not taking anything for pain. I’m being pretty active. The only thing that stinks about the whole ordeal is that my Husband is taking much advantage of the fact and so I don’t get out of putting away laundry or tiding around the house. I was hoping for at least a week break of this. I can say he’s been a wonderful support and I’m thrilled to know he loves them! He refers them as being “perfect” in which I have to agree! Not to big, not too small…just right and if you can imagine I’m in the mirror constantly looking and gazing in such awe over them! They are just so PERFECT!

I mean they coulda been there for years but I JUST noticed them.  I freaked!! Literally!  Immediately I hit the web and started to google (googling is my favorite invention ever btw).  I had to find whatever I could to make it stop no matter what the cost!  I thought to myself.. I will just get a second job…whatever.  Needless to say I’ve signed up with every auto e-mail I could find that I thought would benefit me thru this crisis.  Oh AND I’ve joined a bootcamp (fitness program) and gym so that I can have a bod like Jennifer Aniston by spring (this year I’m gonna do it!).  I’m also trying some exepensive wrinkle oil that was purchased from a Dr in some other country that I’m convinced will reverse my youth…which probably will make me broke first.  Luckily for them they’ve managed to convince me everytime I look in the mirror I see one less wrinkle.  Let me just say that I’m open for ANY suggestions that will put the aging process to a stop.  While surfing the web for all the beauty tips I could find I came across one site that I absolutely am addicted to and stalk daily…..www.glamour.com.   They have given the BEST advice and tips to a frazzled anti-aging/anti-morning woman in her 30’s they could ever imagine.  The stress still lingers but they’ve contributed to making me feel young again.  I can’t say I’m 25 again but late 20’s early 30’s I’m happy with.  S000 what made me want to share this with you is the fact that earlier tonight I went thru a beauty process.  Now let me just make this clear, this is not a daily thing I do or anything but I had to multitask all of my beauty rituals and try to expedite the processes because I just got wind that a certain someone is going to be in town this weekend.  SO this was merely for the fact that I HAVE to be Hot AND Irrisistable by the weekend.  My beauty process included: bootcamp which about killed me but I’m pretty sure I lost about 5-10 lbs doing it….oh n the Smart One microwave dinner helped with that, shopped for a new curling iron…my purchase happened to be that new one that spins as you curl (I’ll let you know how that goes), went thru a whole conditioning treatment for my hair which involved Olive Oil and a nightly leave-in conditioner (now if only I can convince my hair lady a/k/a best friend to dye my blonde hair to black to look like Bella from New Moon like I’ve been begging…I’m blaming Glamour…they say it’s the new “in”) , then I had to scrub all the dry skin off my body with some new body scrub I invested in so that when I put my sunless lotion on it goes on smooth and even.  But before that the green mask on the face had to be left on..oh..for I think 20 mins but I figure an extra 20 would speed things up.  Anxious to see in the morning…..let’s just hope I wake up on the right side of the bed.  OMG I just looked at the clock aaannnd hmmmm sleep is another important beauty regimine so rather than talk about it I’m just gonna say goodnight….

I know I know….You’re wondering if I will write about that certain someone after the weekend and IF I pulled off the hotness….you should probably keep tuned in to find out

I don’t usually erase text messages in my phone but recently while in the waiting room at the doctors office I erased up to the last month. I save the ones I like, the ones that implicate, and the ones that remind me of things I don’t want to forget. I have a list of guys in there a mile long! Is that bad? I don’t know if it is but it is reality.

It goes all the way back to Mark…nice guy, met him in July when I was bored. I never really wanted to date him but we had great conversation…no sex…but he was nice, polite, got along with everyone and fell hard for me. Oops, I didn’t mean for that to happen. But all of a sudden he fell off the text list a few weeks ago. I didn’t really mind I am sorry to say, but I was curious. His excuse was something about not being able to afford taking care of his mother anymore so he was having her move in. I figured there was another woman and still don’t believe it was JUST his mom….but oh well. I am sure if I see him again we will talk as friends.

Then there is ‘James’, he has been in my phone for over 2 years. We dated seriously for about a year until he moved temporarily for a job. He never let me go and I have to say that even though he was much younger than me we get along great and can talk about anything. The problem is…he is WAY more into me than I am into him. Maybe it is the age difference maybe it is something else. He has never gone away and still wont. I love him but am just not IN love with him even though he wants it completely different and wont even LOOK at another woman. I on the other hand, think he needs to find someone young and willing to have a family with him – I am just not that person at this point. (Oh, and according to the text I got this moring he STILL isn’t going anywhere – yes, 2 1/2 years later and 1 1/2 since we broke up he is still a fixture in my Blackberry). I am sure I will dish more about THAT in future posts.

Next there is Jason. He is the ex husband of an old high school friend (and no, I never see her anymore). I ran into him several times when our sons were playing football together. He was asking me out but I just couldn’t commit to a date. I liked talking about the kids and complaining about my ex (the kids dad – Mike) since they work together. I finally went out with him a couple weeks ago for a couple drinks…good conversatrion, nice guy, kinda cute but weird that he was my old friends ex…not so sure it was the right thing. PLUS, here comes my honesty….he has a piece of crap car that broke down on the way to get drinks and he ended up having to rent one. Is it bad that I don’t really want a guy that has as piece of crap car when I have one myself? LOL! I went for drinks with him one more time about a week and a half later which was fun….it was just for about an hour before I had to go watch New Moon with my daughter and her friends at midnight. He wanted another date and suggested dinner and a movie. I wasn’t so sure he wouldnt back out of it like he did our very first ‘almost’ date when he told me he needed tires on his car and couldn’t afford it. Anyway, I let him plan the date…then I ditched him. Why? because I found out he had taken my OTHER high school friend out 5 times and then blew her off for me! Creep…he just text yesterday and asked me what happened. I didn’t really answer, I have better things to deal with right now.

Then there is Chad….my first love – my first EVERYTHING. We connected again on Facebook in May. He was divorced and living with a girl by Chicago but in short, they both lost their jobs, she moved to Texas with her family and he moved back here with his. I had been putting off meeting with him the whole time and then finally met him this week. He was almost exactly the same…not even that much older looking – still good looking! Weird. SO yes, I made out with him at the end of the night just to see how it was…I dont remember what it was like before but he was a good kisser now….he wants to see me again but he isn’t my priority right now. I am supposed to see him again tomorrow night though…we’ll see.

Okay, next is Brian….used to date him a little a few years ago before he moved to Vegas….we have a strange relationship…sometimes I hate him and think he is a dick but yet I love him to death. There isn’t much to say except that I found a $39 ticket to Vegas and am leaving on December 13th to go see him for a few days….will you hear about that? Who knows…after all what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas….hahaha

Oh shoot, there is Dan from high school too….he lives in Idaho but we have become friends online….I only want to be friends but he is starting to talk dirty….had to quash that one. haha

And what is it with exes coming back….just remembered the chat with Brad about the drunken booty call I got one night!! Haha…he was apologizing. Said it was okay, I understand and we talked and caught up for a while and then moved on.

Then there is my sweet Kyle who moved to North Carolina recently, he and I have always had a special friendship. I can say ANYTHING to him and that is really cool to have with a guy. I went to see him a couple months ago and had a blast! He wants to have sex but the fun part of our relationship is me saying no all the time! Just so ya know….I’ll miss him.

Then there is Joe…the ex 8th grade boyfriend that lives in Chicago who I have been seeing off and on since March. In a nutshell, he wants me to move in with him in Chicago. He owns his own company and is extremely successful and says he wants me with him and he’d take care of me. I wouldnt even have to work! To be honest, after struggling for so long, it would be nice. There are more reasons behind this, but I am really considering it…I am sure I will go into more detail later.

Then there is Drew. Uh, yeah…….he’s only 23 – and he just turned 23 last month! Yikes! (He could be my child if I had been a young slut – now I am just an old one! hahahaha) I met him 9 days ago and have seen him 5 times since then. This may be TMI but he is fulfilling my every lady need and then some……..BIG TIME! He is the only one I am seeing in this manner right now as I may TALK to other guys but I will NOT be with more than one guy dating at a time. I am sorry, but once the third date rule was over I had to pull an all nighter….I am sure some of you would be terribly jealous if you knew what I was experiencing with his fine young body so I will spare you….but let me say….I think I am addicted! Now I am trying to figure out how I will end it with him before I go to see Joe next Thursday and before I catch my flight to Vegas Sunday….

Oh, and then this virtual acquaintance I met on Facebook (a young good looking doctor) asked me out for tonight…said ‘Sorry, I have a date’ (with Drew) …then he asked about tomorrow (and I am seeing Chad for drinks). So he asked for Thursday….but I decided I needed a day off. He said he’d call me Thursday…ugh

I don’t think until I looked at my phone that I realized how many options I have out there….and I like every single one of those options in one way or another. What I think is….I have a problem letting people go…and I have a problem saying no. And maybe I am a collector! haha (and BTW, there were a couple other random names in my phone of exes and others just checking on me.)

Honestly, I am not sleeping with these guys…I told you about the ONE that I am having that kind of relationship right now (hubba hubba)….what do you honestly think? Why are all these guys in my life? I am NOT sleeping with them..even though some are exes and I have in the past…and why are exes coming back to me anyway??? I am not even leading them on for that matter. Not really anyway, I am honest and let them know I am dating others. Some hate it and some understand. I told Drew the other night I was using him for sex (kind of as a joke but I think I was just feeling him out) and he got upset…he wants to see me all the time even if we can’t be alone and I have only known him 9 days! Do you think it is the Puma/Cougar phenomenon? Why do I communicate with this many guys? Do you think I am looking for someone to date or dating a bunch of wrong ones so I don’t have to worry about finding the right one? The amount of guys in my phone the last month alone FLOORED ME! There were at least 10! I don’t have time for 10 guys. I am a busy mother and college student…how does this happen?

So it’s the day before the BIG DAY! How am I feeling? Fine, rested and NERVOUS beyond belief. How do I deal? Main way is to not think about it…at all! However, I’ll set that aside and let myself break out in hives just so I can type this post. I keep imagining what all tomorrow will involve. I’m sure tomorrow morning will be focused of getting ready and being prepared.

There are thoughts of the waiting room and being called in and then the dreaded IV. I have a phobia of needles. It stems from childhood memories which I’ll get into more down the road. I’ve was poked and prodded at. As I’ve said before I’m petite and always have been, so me getting stuck by needles was less than pleasant as I have tiny veins. During my pregnancy I was pretty much over this fear with all the times I had to go in and get blood work done. Then the day of delivery I got jabbed with the IV needle and the blood vessel blew out. OUCH. It was the most painful thing out of the entire labor process was that IV. I know people look at me as though I’m crazy to state that but it’s true. When the nurse would ask me to rate my pain for the contractions I would state, not as bad as my arm and the IV. So there’s a big part of me that is stressed just over the IV.

As I keep turning to my husband and saying, “I’m nervous”. He continues to tell me things will be fine. We have one of the best doctors. Lots of people have this done. I persist telling him how nervous I am and that I’m scared, as if the next time he says everything will be fine will magically be the cure to all my nervousness.

I’m struggling with even knowing how common this operation is…I can’t in my mind wrap around the fact it’s “normal” because it’s not. It’s not normal to want to put fake anything inside your body and feel ok with it. Well, it’s normal to our society but maybe the better term for it is that it’s not natural. Then again, much of what I do isn’t a natural thing. My hair is colored, my nails aren’t always made up but when they are they are nothing but acrylic, I cover my face with powder and makeup, so I suppose not being so “natural” is pretty normal. Now, I’m beginning to sound a bit high maintenance. Which I’m really not because if you knew me I really only go maybe 2-3 times a year to get my hair or nails done. It’s not a weekly or monthly religious rate.

So what were we talking about, awe yes, how could I forget, the dreaded and much wanted BIG DAY. I say Big because it’s a big day for me…not in reference to size that I’m opting for. I’m not going for the Dolly Parton look. Just something nice, noticeable but not in your face Hey World Look at my GIRLS, I’ve got huge knockers kind of thing.

This might be my last post here for the next couple of days. I have no idea the pain I’ll be in afterwards. I’m assuming I’ll be pretty sick as I do most anytime I have anesthesia. Just get through tomorrow and knock me out with pain pills. Again not so much of a ‘natural’ solution, but there’s no shame in drugs, not when it’s what the doctor orders! So keep me in your thoughts and prayers if you would. I hear the clock tick tick ticking away…the count down of hours has begun!

I’m a mother of a beautiful daughter who’s a year and a half, a wife to a devoted husband and hard worker, an adopted daughter of preacher, an only sister of 4 older brothers and friend to those that let me. That pretty much wraps it up in one sentence. The journey I share starts here in my life…days before my breast augmentation operation. This is the point of my life of where all this begins with me.

To know reasons why, I’m sure they are much the same as many others but I’ll share with you as though I’ve never heard these reasons before. To be completely honest, I’ve secretly always loved the look of breasts. There’s the appeal of looking sexy and feminine. Who doesn’t want to look and feel sexy. I’ve always been the petite lil thing with no chest. Life of padded bras and now since having a baby more so. I find it ridiculous in that I now wear a two bras one being a water bra with silicon inserts just to make it appear I have a chest. I don’t remember having a low self image so much because of my breasts, it’s just always been a thing with me of wanting that sexy look and appeal of breasts. I would get frustrated when I would go shopping and see tops I knew I wouldn’t even try on because there was simply no point. There was no way I was going to be able to pull it off. Now with even a flatter chest then what I had before, I’ve noticed the tops that I used to wear that fit me before baby…are now falling down on me. I’m always putting my hand over my chest if I bend over and so paranoid that people can see down my shirt. The idea of getting a boob job was something I always said I was going to have done but never really took into consideration of being a reality until the past year.

It was my husband that needed the convincing. He simply did not understand the need of this operation. His excuse was that he saw me beautiful just the way I was and for a long time flat out told me there was no way he was going to let me have it done. I remember him telling me when we were living together before we were married that he would never date a woman with a boob job and that he would leave me if I ever got them done. So the dream of having breasts was put to a halt. It wasn’t again until after I had our daughter and was done breast feeding that I came to realize my complete dissatisfaction with the look of my breasts. They’ve always been small…but now smaller and not with so much perk…which was the one perks of having a smaller chest. Between this and the frustration of clothes wearing it came apparent in my needing and wanting a boob job.

Now it was the first step of getting the Hubby to understand where I was coming from. This was the hardest part. There seemed to be fears on his side or this idea that I would get them done and become some sort of tramp and leave him. If any of you knew my husband you would maybe understand his way of thinking…but this is part of how he thinks…once he gets an idea in his head it takes near a miracle to make it budge. It wasn’t really until he finally took the effort to sit back and watch me and see that it only took one quick glimpse to see down my top and see the paranoid unhappy look that came from it that he finally could start to realize this was much more than just an attention seeking operation.

So it is literally 2 days before my operation. I think I should feel more excited. Even with my husbands understanding of it and support of it…it’s just that I don’t get the I’m excited and can’t wait to see the after. I would think most men would be ecstatic, but in this case I’m happy and clinging to fact I have the support. I’m scared that he won’t like them afterward. What if he doesn’t…how selfish am I to take that away from him to appear sexier on the outside. I have to remind myself this is after all just for me. I think this is what makes it so hard. I’m doing this for me not anyone else. When was the last time I really did something for me and no one else. The things I do are for my daughter, my husband, my family, my friends, people I love and care about…this is something I’m solely doing for me 100%. Ok…so maybe I’m fibbing there…I did just buy an iPhone that I’ve wanted now for years…that was definitely all for me. So boobs and iPhone…does that make me selfish? I guess for whatever reason I always feel guilty when I self indulge. For what reason…I do not know.

So other than the fact I’m uncomfortable with the idea of doing something completely for myself…I’m of course terrified of the pain and the idea that there could be complications from all this. Then there’s the fear of the unknown. What the heck is it going to look like…what and how am I going to look after I get this done? It’s like knowing you’re going to get all your hair chopped off and colored for the first time not knowing how it’ll turn out…only times 100! This is permanent…drastic and permanent. It’s scary. It’s something I’ve always wanted and it’s here and I’m scared to death of it.

I’ll have to say the first most scary step of it all wasn’t trying to convince my Hubby of how I needed and wanted one…but the telling all to my parents. Mind you my dad is a retired minister. It was just as scary as the day I told them I was moving in with the boyfriend. Oh this might have been worse. However, it was to my pleasant surprise when I came to find out they supported me. Maybe not so much my Dad but my Mom was very supportive. I was shocked to say the least. I was for sure they would frown upon it. But they understood and my mom was interested with questions of what it all entailed. Amazing!

That being done with it’s now just a matter of going through with the procedure. This is where I keep up to date and post my emotions, pains and excitement of the whole ordeal. I simply pray for everything to go well, with no complications and no long time in pain. I’m sure the other hardest thing for me is to not be able to pick up my daughter for the first week or so. In less than 2 days, I will be well on my way to having the chest I’ve always wanted!